Once darkness falls my backyard is filled with ZOMBIE felines. These furry four legged beasts are everywhere and they have friends who have friends. They’re all related in someway. They all have glowing eyes. They come in a varity of colors and patterns; the sneakiest of all are the plaid ones. They show up throughout the night…and in huge numbers.
Testing a new sleeping bag…forget it…these ZOMBIE felines sneak under a tarps edge and spray the foulest of odors…you’ll need to burn that expensive bag. Besides any attempt in getting any sleep at all is nearly impossible unless it’s pouring rain, ZOMBIE felines don’t like the rain…especially the plaid ones. Then there’s the screaming and squalling of the ZOMBIE feline…HAH…if you think the screams of a domesticated house cat is the scariest sound you’ve ever heard I say you’ve heard nothing…nothing I say…a domesticated cat has nothing on a ZOMBIE feline.
Like regular cats ZOMBIE felines dig cat holes, they don’t use fancy trowels made of titanium or carbon fiber they use their razor sharp claws…sharper than anything known to NASA…then they watch from a distance for you to get up during the night and step in said cat hole. These same claws can destroy a Cuben Fiber tarp with one swift swipe…the same goes for any other tarp or tent material. Come daylight you’ll fine yourself looking through shredded fibers of a once overly expensive shelter that you worked hard for and spent good money on…you’ll need to burn it too.
Testing a new cooking pot or stove…forget it…food aroma attracts ZOMBIE felines 98.6 times faster than any other wild animal. The ZOMBIE felines will swipe that hot meal right out of your hand with those razor sharp claws…and you WILL scream and you WILL run thrashing and crashing before stepping into one of the many cat holes and falling on top of your newly acquired cooking pot or stove destroying it forever…you can try to burn it, but it’s probably better off in the recycling bin.
Testing a new down jacket, pants or hat…forget it…fluffy down is a favorite den material of the ZOMBIE feline. They will travel hundreds of miles to extract down from these warm garments…remember the razor sharp claws…it’s all over. You won’t even know it until you find yourself shivering and in the fetal position tucked in the foot box of your odor saturated sleeping bag…you’ll need to burn the garment too.
ZOMBIE felines are wide spread, coast-to-coast, from mountain high to valley lows, they climb trees and leap from rock to rock, they move and stalk under the cover of darkness, they breed on the fly, they destroy gear, they are fearless, and they scare the pee out of the unsuspecting backyard gear tester.
They’re near and they’re watching you.